Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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