there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
