Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
