I can text with my tongue
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
