theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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