if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
