I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Randomize
