I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
They took my balls.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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