Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
