The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
