just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
