i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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