Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
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