Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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