We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
