We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
