how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
