i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
