My first STD was from a foam party
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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