You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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