I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
