Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
