She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
As shirtless as possible
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
