I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
