I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
