Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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