My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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