If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
