the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
