So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
