You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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