i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
