Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize