She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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