you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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