she was so not down for the gang bang
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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