woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
