This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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