Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
