i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
we should paint friendship bongs
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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