my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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