I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
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