non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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