i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
