Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
