please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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