My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize