Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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