Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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