Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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