You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
