shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
