You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
