I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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