I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
