and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
