the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Floor bacon is actually really good
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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