Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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