This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
